Food for thought.

So here I am, touch typing like I’ve never used it before, oh but I have patience readers! I’m typing like a Neanderthal looking at the wheel for the first time. So rusty that I have to keep on looking down.

(This is an old thing that I wrote that I've recently found)

I  hate this, being the whiny fat girl. Shouted at my child like mother and then proceeded to go into my room to eat my feelings of disappointment and resentment in one foul swoop or should I say in one foul mouthful? At least heroin addiction has a certain acceptable chic look (thank you Kate Moss) whereas just being fat from eating too much just makes me look like a sad, lonely person who probably cums to the sound of samosas frying in oil. I don’t by the way; I haven’t reached that stage yet.

Is it unfufilment? I don’t know, maybe it is. Getting left behind is getting harder to bear now, as kids, friends are all on a level playing field. Then God decides to fuck with us and throw in a couple of life altering grenades and life is messy and muddy and some people never quite manage to dodge the grenades quickly enough.

Is this it? I look at my mum and I want to cry, is this it? Our parents are not only carers but physical manifestations of our future. That scares me so much, I want to run away screaming as fast as my chubby legs can take me. No to a life time of looking at the never ending pot of rice, no more! Eating takes the feeling away sometimes. Then comes the guilt; why did I eat so much, why fuck up my fool hardy plan of losing weight? Or the biggy YOU’RE A FAILURE! Boo you! If carrots were to taste like cake then it would be so much easier, well it would be a cake walk (boom, boom).

I ate samosas like they were filled with some sort of anti-fat filling while there’s a peeled Satsuma looking forlornly at me on a little plate which in turn is resting on the plate that I ate those not so healthy fried deliciousness. I’m listening to the mighty Eels ‘Beautiful Freak’. What an amazing song, it’s one of those kinds of songs that make you feel better and sad at the same time.

Today I found this little quote.

"Taught from infancy that beauty is woman's sceptre, the mind shapes itself to the body, and roaming round its gilt cage, only seeks to adorn its prison."

Couldn't agree more Ms Mary Wollstonecraft! Now where's that slice of cake?